I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
You Might Also Like
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
my favorite genre of twitter
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Meth is short for Elizameth.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.