To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Fight
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.