My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
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I’m already scared
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
any last words?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?