Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.