Somebody’s lying.
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Don’t touch that.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Oh my god
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.