Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
You Might Also Like
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Is your wife single?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here