You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
You Might Also Like
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
the answer was staring at me all along
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.