my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Bootstraps
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??