On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
All is fair in drunk and war.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
North and South
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*