If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.