Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
You Might Also Like
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
One of the best
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”