DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Girl, same.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look 鈥榚m right in the eyes and tell 鈥榚m I ran out of gas
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
饾槢饾槱饾槩饾樀 judge.
Client: What鈥檚 wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Schr枚dinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid鈥檚 toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn鈥檛 buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
can鈥檛 help feeling like there鈥檚 already a name for this