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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?