BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.