It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Aaaa…CHOO!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it