texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
this is the best interaction on twitter
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.