I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things