My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME