His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
You Might Also Like
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*updates tinder bio*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing