OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You Might Also Like
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit