dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what