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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.