Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
You Might Also Like
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.