One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.