And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
mood
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*