Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.