Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works