I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
R.I.P.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
just got my engagement photos
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
next level snooze
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist