You Might Also Like
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
no their not
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets