Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *