Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.