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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Happy Star Wars day!
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind