if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Saint West, the patron of selfies
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
the #horror is real!
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own