Great acting.. 😂
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him