You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
#Caturday
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.