Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
There’s no “us” in nachos.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
me when the borders lift
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually