[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Feels
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.