[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors