This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ