Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.