I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
“what that mouth do?” complain
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters