Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.