and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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I told my vodka about you.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Trumpy Cat
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw