I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower