They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
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me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.