Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
guys i’ve cracked the code