Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.