If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
car not found
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).