Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do