Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
A Short Story.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.